Picture this (or maybe you’ve lived this): Sally and Sam, who both report to you, ask to meet with you separately. Both have their own side of the story, but you piece together what has happened. Sally asked Sam several times for financial data that she needs to complete a report. Each time, Sam replies he’s working on it. Sally doesn’t know Sam is also working on several report requests for the executive team that has taken higher priority. Sally finally gets so frustrated with Sam that she sends him a sniping email letting him know thanks to him, her own report is now very late. Sam retaliates by sending Sally an equally sniping email saying Sally has no idea how busy he’s been, and if she had more work to do (like him) she’d have more important things to worry about.
Ouch.
After hearing their stories, you can tell there is a breakdown in trust and communication and assumptions being made on both sides. To work through the tensions, you propose the three of you sit down, retrace what got you there, and commit to behaviors in support of the work they each do. Surprisingly, they agree.
So, what’s next? Following these tips will help you effectively navigate the complexity of an employee conflict resolution meeting.
#1. Prepare everyone for the meeting’s purpose and how to give feedback. Meet individually with each employee to help them visualize what to expect from the mediation process. Walk them through in detail what will happen, who will be there, and what each person’s role will be. Most importantly, give them a roadmap for articulating their feelings about the conflict and feedback to the other person. Here is a great structure I have used with teams:
Poor example:
- “Sally, you were really rude to me.”
Effective example:
- Describe the behavior you observed – “Sally when you said I did not care about your report,”
- Talk about how it made you feel – “it made me feel hurt and insulted,”
- Talk about the impact the behavior had on the relationship – “and because of that I am concerned you don’t respect me or the work I do.”
It focuses the conversation on direct but constructive feedback pinpointing behaviors that derailed the relationship. This kind of feedback would allow Sally to explain why she said what she did (albeit in the wrong way), which was triggered by Sam’s lack of responsiveness to her request (a behavior), and that will allow Sam to explain his behavior (a lack of action triggered by a heavy workload) in greater detail.
#2. Set the meeting’s tone from the start. Once everyone is prepared and the meeting day arrives, start off by recapping the purpose: to share perspectives, create understanding, and engage in a productive dialog about what happened and apply it so as not to get off track again. From there, review everyone’s roles and describe the flow of the meeting. Ask for any questions, then, begin the dialog.
#3. Let one person speak first and then let the other person respond. Whomever goes first depends on the circumstances. If someone requested the meeting, let them go first. If you as the manager requested the meeting, you can decide who goes first based on the facts of the conflict. If there is a true antagonist, they should not go first. Next, each person, without interruption, expresses the situation from their perspective and then the other party summarizes what they’ve just heard. As the mediator, it is key to ensure each person can finish their thoughts, and that time is dedicated to thoroughly exploring each issue with clarifying questions and phrases. As a mediator, I have helped employees articulate their questions and re-frame their feedback during meetings to help maintain a constructive tone and stay on track.
#4. Establish the new go forward. After the initial issues and perspectives are explored, a helpful exercise to get everyone future-focused is a start/stop/continue exercise. Try framing it in this way: “What does Sally need to start, stop, or continue doing to be an effective colleague to you, Sam?” and vice versa. Ask each participant to describe specific actions they’d like to see the other person take to resolve the conflict, aiming for three to four ideas. And, as a manager, you can add yourself to the conversation so that it isn’t just about the employees. These commitments should reflect that employees choose to treat each other with dignity and respect – nothing less is tolerated.
#5. End with a review of everyone’s commitments and next steps. Ask each person to restate what they committed to and what they learned from exploring the other person’s perspective. Conclude with a dialog about, what will you each do differently if something like this occurs again? And you as the leader should set time aside individually and as a group to hear about progress and roadblocks.
Mediating conflict is certainly challenging, but when done effectively, it can help put the broken pieces of a working relationship back together. As a leader, it is your role to intervene and create an environment where conflicts can be resolved productively. And that’s why preparing for your own success in these conflict situations is key to the ultimate success of your people.
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