Often when leaders come to me for advice on tackling sticky issues with their direct reports or peers, they sometime paint a complete back story of that situation or person based on their own assumptions and filters of the world around them, which may or may not be accurate.

Take this classic example. While “Jane” was leading a meeting, she noticed that “Mary” was feverishly typing on her laptop the entire time. Based on her observation, Jane believed that Mary was uninterested, bored, and checking emails. It turned out that one of the new systems the company had just put in place had experienced major bugs, and Mary was working with her developers via email on solutions to prevent the company’s online customer account portal from going offline. The reality was much different than what Jane had observed through her own perception of what was happening.

Don’t get me wrong. Assumptions can be good. In business, to forecast or make plans, we must build out assumptions. But those kinds of assumptions are based on fact patterns – past performance indicators, data, and market changes.

When we do not build fact-based assumptions, and instead, make assumptions about situations involving people, we often project our own ideas, feelings, and thoughts onto that situation or person. So, the next time you observe another person’s behavior that gives you concern, approach the situation in a new way.

1. Know what you want from the conversation. Before connecting with the other person, decide in your own mind what you really want the conversation to yield: do you want to be right, or do you really want better/different results for you and the other person?
2. Seek to understand. Enter the conversation with a purpose of finding out what happened, not simply validating your own perspective. You may be right. And you may be wrong. Either way, be open.
3. Get their side of the story. Start off by explaining what you have observed or are feeling, and then get their perspective.
4. Act based on the full story. Once you have their view, weigh all the facts. Is this enough for you to take action? What actions does the other person need to take? What should you both start or stop doing?

By ensuring you get the complete story and all the facts, you will get better results from your interactions and connections with others and prevent a lot of unnecessary conflict from occurring.