As we look back at 2017, a lot has been heard in the news about respect at work. And in our own experiences, we might recall some of the toxic characters we unfortunately met along the way in our own leadership journeys – those individuals that required a lot of our focus, time, and coaching. And we might remember them mostly because their behavior was so noticeable: they would yell, be rude, or cause disruption at work.
But what about the other bad players that we might have missed because their behaviors are less obvious, and in fact, are subtler? I’m talking about the gossips, the passive aggressive actors, and the condescending colleagues. These individuals also impact our teams, our workplaces, and our cultures. And often their behavior, while concerning for those who experience it, may not be illegal. So how do we confront their behavior in a way that is both productive and respectful?
Here are some very practical conversation pointers to help you and your teams navigate interactions with these toxic characters in the workplace.
The Gossip
What is gossip? Simply put, it is any conversation that is negative about another person who is not present, often filled with speculation and sometimes rumors or questions about another person’s motives. At its worst, it can be an outright lie about another person. The National Labor Relations Board has ruled that having an overly broad “no gossiping” policy may in fact restrict employees’ rights to protected activities afforded to them under the National Labor Relations Act, so to some extent gossip will always be a part of the cultural fabric. And dealing with it must be a part of leadership’s practice to avoid the harmful effects of the worst kind of gossip, which could lead to lost productivity, lower morale, and damaged relationships among colleagues. So, how do we confront gossip effectively?
Strategy:
Picture this: you’re eating lunch peacefully when Jerry comes into your office and takes a seat. Then, he starts in again about your mutual colleague, Entebbe. “I am so tired of Entebbe coming into our meetings and telling us how to run our business. I mean, she just got here two months ago. What could she possibly know about marketing? She’s such a know-it-all. She’s completely annoying.”
The best approach to handling a gossip is not to debate the gossip, which will only escalate the issue. Instead, employ a strategy that takes you out of the middle of the gossip cycle. You see, gossips like to put people in the middle of their issue with another person instead of taking it up directly with the person at hand. This is called triangulation. So, break the gossip triangle by asking a simple question.
“You seem to have some concerns about Entebbe’s approach in the meeting. What did Entebbe say when you told her about how you felt?” This question puts the gossip on notice that you’re not interested in remaining in the triangle, and instead, expect him to have told her directly.
If in this scenario, Jerry would continue to gossip despite this subtle hint, you could say more directly, “You know, Jerry, I like and respect Entebbe and you, and while I may not always agree with everything she does, I don’t have these challenges with her. I really think you should talk to her about it.” This reasserts your position that you don’t want to be inside the triangle and you expect Jerry to talk to Entebbe directly instead of to you.
And if that doesn’t work, this is the most direct stance: “Jerry, please don’t talk to me about Entebbe in this way. I have a good working relationship with her, and when you tell me these things, it makes it hard for me to do my job.”
This language will send the strongest message that you do not want to be included in the triangle of gossip, that you expect feedback to be given directly to the source, and that you respect everyone involved.
The Passive Aggressive
One the most difficult characters to deal with at work may be the passive aggressive individual. According to Berit Brogaard, Ph.D., passive aggressiveness is “as the word indicates, a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks.”
First, let me say, we all have been passive aggressive at some time or another – it is human nature. Though there are some individuals who are so fearful of conflict, they operate from this approach more than others. The behavior may show up in many ways, including ignoring others, intentionally leaving people out of a meeting or group, making subtle insults, and not committing to or following through on what was agreed to previously.
Strategy:
The passive aggressive individual may not have any idea how they are coming off to you. I always believe in coming from a place of assuming good intentions, so first, try to get to know them as a person and see where they are coming from on all issues. Is there an underlying concern about job security, the quality of a project, or their view of leadership? Those are issues that can be worked through.
But we should be prepared to confront the passive aggressive tactics with respectful approaches:
- If it is a message or comment that seems to be a subtle insult, seek clarification. “I want to be sure I am tracking you. What I just heard you say is…Is that right? Or is there something else we should explore?”
- If you are being excluded or left out from an activity, point out why you should be there. “I noticed you held a project update meeting though I don’t recall getting an invitation. I’d like to attend. I can shed light on some of the issues around the software updates, and without that information, the team might not have all the data to make decisions on the implementation phase. When is the next one?”
- If the person fails to follow through or commit to an action after agreeing to do so, remind them of that commitment. And be sure to use meeting notes and emails to document those agreements. “That’s not what I recall we agreed to in the meeting. According to the notes, the next step was to contact the vendor and you were going to get two quotes.”
Ultimately, if the passive aggressive person does not change their behavior, a decision must be made as to what the next step is: do you escalate it to their manager, or if you are their manager, when do you address their behavior further, under the competency of being a team collaborator? Those are tough decisions for colleagues who are faced with navigating this challenging kind of co-worker.
The Condescending Colleague
It’s all about the tone. Condescension has been described as “sugarcoated antagonism”, which really could be considered a form of passive aggressive behavior. But it warrants its own category only because of the frequency with which it happens in the workplace. For example, how many times have you heard phrases that sound like, “That’s not really the way we do things here” or “you need to learn how this place works before making those suggestions”?
Strategy:
Take this example. Marina is a manager known for her directness. Her employee, Jorge, is presenting his ideas for a new benefits program for the company. During the conversation, Marina tells Jorge he should have added an option that, unknown to her, he already considered. She says to Jorge, “Once you’ve been doing this as long as I have, you’ll understand these are the kinds of things you should think about.”
Jorge has some options. First, he could choose to ignore it and respond respectfully as if the comment only contained constructive feedback. “Thanks for the suggestion. I had the same thought, and I did consider that already. Here’s why I decided not to include that in the plan here today.” This would deescalate the situation though it does not directly address the tone or her comment.
If this was an ongoing issue and Marina continuously spoke to Jorge in a condescending tone, he could choose to address that with her in a separate conversation. “Marina, I was hoping we could talk about something that’s been troubling me. The other day, when you said that ‘once I’ve been doing this as long as I have, you’ll understand these are the kinds of things you should think about’, it sounded to me as if you didn’t believe I had thought those options through. And, in fact, you thought that only because I hadn’t been here as long as you have. Can you clarify that for comment for me?” This opens up a dialog and may end up being uncomfortable for one or both participants, but it would likely lead to either true clarity or further denial. Either way, Jorge would show Marina he’s willing to confront comments that are shrouded in a tone that is less than professional.
Whatever the situation, dealing with toxic individuals at work can be daunting and requires forethought and the willingness to take the high road in almost every situation. With some practice and the readiness to seek to understand another’s point of view along the way, a leader can attempt to resolve even the subtlest, most difficult interactions between colleagues at work. In doing so, you will set important boundaries about what you expect from your colleagues’ and teams’ behavior when working with you. Because we all know, we cannot change other peoples’ behavior, but we can control how we react to them.
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Shelly Price is the Principal Consultant and President of Human Capital Next, LLC, which focuses on human resources project consulting services and interim support. Shelly specializes in custom training and leadership development and facilitation, culture and engagement survey and assessment, and employee relations. Shelly holds an MBA degree and is certified to use the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI) Instrument, FourSight® Thinking Profile, and DiSC® assessment. She holds a Senior Professional in Human Resources (SPHR) designation from the HR Certification Institute and is an Organization Development Certified Professional from the Institute of Organization Development in Fort Myers, Florida.
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